Some “love” cartoons in honor of Valentine’s Day (click on the cartoons for larger views):
The Wall Street Journal recently published an article entitled, I Just Called to Say, Ahem, I, Uhh, Love You. It talks about how hard it is sometimes to tell someone you love and appreciate them. It’s a valid concern. One woman had a friend who went out of his way help her when she moved to town. It wasn’t a romantic relationship, but it moved her deeply. Unfortunately she felt the need to tell him and when she did her eyes teared up and she told him she loved him. He didn’t even acknowledge her feelings and started to distance himself from her. Finally one day when she phoned him he said he was busy and would phone back. That was the last interaction she had with him.
Having been a physics major, I mostly worked with guys professionally. My preference is to feel close to people and to show my affection, but most people don’t feel that way… I’ve sometimes had to be creative to respect all of our needs and feelings. Last summer a colleague of mine was back in town for a visit. We had both belonged to a group disbanded 20 years ago, but the morale in that group had been so strong that we used his visit as a chance to have a reunion. My colleague was responsible for my getting the job in the first place, and I’ve always had warm feelings towards him, not just for that but for who he was. Hmm. I would probably never see him again so this would be my last chance. Should I tell him or not? He would probably feel uncomfortable but I would regret it if I never said anything. So what the heck. I told him briefly and he did feel embarrassed. Then I gave him a quick hug and said, “I love you, Tom!” and added, “Enough of this mushy stuff. I just needed to tell you. It’s done now.” 🙂 He laughed and said, “Whew! Thank goodness. I couldn’t take much more of that.”
Thinking of this topic has raised all sorts of other memories, way too many for one post. Does the topic resonate with/stir up any memories in you?
I suspect that the problem is in conveying different types of love – romantic, platonic, brotherly etc. People hesitate as there is always the possibility of misunderstanding. I personally have no problem either saying it or listening to it being said to me. The best relationships are however those that do not reinforcement with verbal assurances.
Does the subject resonate with me? It does. Big time. I am very affectionate, some might say domineering in that I will touch a stranger’s arm (apparently that’s what domineering types do). My father is affectionate, my mother is (though both in very different ways), my son is. The day I don’t hear him say “Love you, Mama” is a day when I know he is not around. I have been very lucky with the people in my life. Even my English stiff-upper-lip Army father-in-law told me how much he loved me. And I did him. Though most the time we were at loggerheads.
What you touched on in your first paragraph is so very unfortunate: Friendship between men and women. It’s possible. I know because it’s one of my strengths. Partners/wives will not be jealous/suspicious of me. I inspire innate trust in other women. Bitches as they themselves may be. I have never stolen anyone’s love interest. But I need men’s friendships. It is so sad that couples come as packages. Sure, sometimes you are lucky: Both of them are great. Sometimes only one is of interest – to you. Then what? In my mind it shows great strength of a man’s character to be able to say: I am going to have a coffee/glass of wine/meal with That Woman. My bestest friend of fourty years is like that. He’d never ever let himself be prescribed who to see and who not, on ground of gender.
That man distancing himself from your friend is a loser. Sad. Easier said than felt. I know. Main thing is that your friend said it how it was – for her. That’s integrity. If he couldn’t handle it: His loss.
U
About 30 years ago, Lydia was working at a home for the disabled in Sweden. There was a young man there whose body was strapped to a plank so it wouldn’t curl up, since he was pretty much paralyzed.
He got hit by a truck. I felt so very sorry for him. I said “I love you”. Even tho’ he only spoke Swedish, he knew what that meant! He grabbed my arm & wouldn’t let go. His was strong. I think he wanted some kisses to go along with that.
I was on a hike in France & met a group of kids. They didn’t speak English & answered me in French. I said, “Je ne parle pas français” & one said “I love you”. They knew that much English. It’s a universal phrase.
About my comment. Couldn’t have been 30 years ago. Lydia is only 45 & she didn’t go to Sweden when only 15.
Men suffer from the patriarchy too!
We have so many synonyms in English and yet we come back to “I love you” so often. I’m not sure whether this says something about our needs, the potency of the word, the lack of our imagination or (in the words of a million multi-guess tests) d) all of the above.
rummuser,
“The best relationships are however those that do not need reinforcement with verbal assurances.”
I believed that until my daughter was about 4 years old. Since my husband didn’t like “I love you”, and I was happy with nonverbal communication, I hadn’t said it to my daughter. Then one afternoon she looked me in the eye and said, “I love you.” It wasn’t a statement as much as a request for me to say it to her. I was more than happy to start doing it even though my husband thought we got a bit mushy at times. I assume her babysitter had told her the phrase and she really wanted to hear the words, not just see and hear the nonverbal and see the actions.
Ursula,
My folks didn’t hesitate to show affection either, and I’m grateful for that. We only got to see them once a year, but my mother and I had long phone calls to keep close. One of the last things she said to me over the phone was, “Oh, I do truly love you!” What a treasured memory. But I also treasure when I went back to help nurse her. When she saw me her face lit up and she said, “You came back!” I smiled and said, “Of course I came back.” I still get tears in my eyes when I remember that.
BHB,
My guess is the disabled fellow was hungry for connection and it was your caring rather than the words that counted. Bless you!
Evan,
One way of connecting with people, especially guys, who feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness is to use affectionate teasing. Sometimes when I do something that I’m sure my husband will like I’ll say, “Boy, if that isn’t true love I don’t know what is.” He smiles and agrees. Friendly teasing, of a different sort, worked well with the guys at work too.
When I speak with my seven-month old granddaughter, I tell her I love her. She wiggles with delight, waving her arms. She understands!
Jody,
They just melt your heart, don’t they? 🙂
I have utilised the ‘hug’ – but I can only use on certain people…both genders though. Some people do not understand that they need to enclose their hands around me at the same time, so it feels awkward even to me. Whilst others have no problem and we might spend more than a few minutes hugging sometimes speaking as well…
I also use “thanks, I have had a great day with you…” meaning didn’t we have fun, wasn’t it a hoot and ‘love’ enters into the ‘you’ essence.
I have friends that I would really like to include in a ‘love appreciation’ but never have found a way to do that…sometimes it’s because of my relationship to them, whether they have another personal relationship either with us or at home…
I read somewhere recently that billion Valentine Cards get sent where on a few million Xmas cards…and that is because of the ‘word’ love links to Valentines…
Cathy,
That’s interesting about the number of Valentine Cards sent. It makes sense. It’s an easy way to convey affection without making other people too uncomfortable and even potentially messing up a relationship.
I’m a hugger at heart too, and I have my teddy bear when the people around me aren’t. 🙂