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Since Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was published there’s been a lot of discussion about how to raise children. My own opinions were formed years ago. I read a lot about child development/child raising when Kaitlin was little and the two pieces of advice I remember most were
- The best way to give children self-esteem is to enjoy being with them. Basically that’s giving children the assurance that their self worth isn’t conditional on performance and status.
- The adolescents who have trouble are the ones who think their parents aren’t happy. It was written by a fellow who worked a lot with teens and his argument made sense. If teens know only unhappy adults, they will be afraid of joining the adult world. That resonated with me because my folks made a big distinction between children and adults. To them childhood was a time of fun and games, adulthood was burdened with responsibilities. It turned me into a pretty serious kid, trying to figure out how I could make my own adulthood not quite so bad. 🙂
As it turned out I loved being an adult, having choices and being able to work for what I wanted. So when we had Kaitlin we figured our main goal was to help her grow into a competent adult. Before she was three years old she was already helping with family chores. Her part was nothing demanding but it made her a contributing member of the family. Everyone helped.
As she grew older we tried to give her the skills she would need in life, including learning to make decisions while we could still give her some guidance and support. Having land up in the mountains gave us plenty of chances to work on projects as a family, teach her new skills and enjoy time together.
Unlike a lot of families we didn’t stress academics very much. We didn’t push her to get A’s. B’s were fine, and if she had tried in a class an even lower grade would have been all right. We also encouraged her to work outside the home so she could earn money for things she wanted. She had a paper route for several years starting when she was 11. When she got tired of that she found a job helping a person with housework, then when she was in high school she got a job at a local drive in. We were hesitant about the time that would take but she said she did better if she had a lot to do so we let her try…as long as she could get at least B’s on her report cards. She was right, if anything her grades improved even though she was taking some Advanced Placement courses.
A lot of people say children shouldn’t work while going to school, their primary job is to study and prepare for their future. In our mind working was giving her invaluable life experience. In particular, her job at the drive-in made her realize what her options would be if she didn’t have a college education. So when she did go to college she knew why she was there and what she wanted. She had little trouble taking charge of her life and doing well. Then she went on to one of the best graduate schools in the country (University of Michigan) in her field (biopsychology). And she’s now working full time as well as working on an MBA.
Clearly we don’t believe pressuring children to do well on tests is the best way to prepare them for a happy, productive and successful life.
What about you? What do you think?
We had 4 kids. My job was to put food on the table & keep house. Tom’s job was to work at the Lab. We had no standards, rules or plans. Life happened.
The boys got doctorates. One girl didn’t. She might have because she was valedictorian of her class but she got religion instead. The other did a lot of post graduate work.
We did lots of sports together. Hikes, backpack trips, ice skating 4 or 5 times a week, skiing downhill, bicycle trips in western U.S. & Canada, kayak, canoe & raft trips, cross-country skiing trips. Trips mean a week or more besides what we did at home every week.
Oh yes, they did housework & jobs they took, away from home too.
bikehikebabe,
That’s very similar. You had four children instead of one, and you focused more on sports and outdoor activities instead of projects. The essential things, I think, were the same…doing things as a family, giving the kids some responsibility and the freedom to make choices of their own.
I think our society is very unkind to people – especially children. This book is popular because it fits these widespread values.
And the book advocates that children are ‘disciplined’ into following these aberrant values. I think it is an awful and horrible book in so many ways.
I don’t have children. From my observation the kids who their parents enjoy usually do fine.
My partner was averse to marriage when we got together. (We eventually married because it was easier legally and financially – in Australia.) She asked me if I knew many happy marriages – one’s where people didn’t just settle for ‘normal misery’ but grew in love and care for each other over the years. I couldn’t think of many.
I really hate the idea that childhood isn’t valid (which goes along with the idea that it is magical etc) but a preparation for something else. This is well satirised (I think by Tim Ferriss) when he talks about the business consultant talking to the lazy fishermen. The fishermen catch enough fish for a goodish lifestyle then sitting around on the beach chatting to friends and so on. The businessmen points out that they could be earning more, expand their operations and markets, go international and eventually retire. So they can then sit around on the beach and talk to their friends.
Childhood is a time of great learning and creativity. If we would honour this I suspect we would maybe open up to the possibility that adulthood could be this too. But I think people are to scared to even contemplate this. (It would mean so much disruption, so many unknowns, having to do things in ways we don’t even know yet . . .)
I’m ranting again so I’ll shut up.
Evan I love your ranting. And Jean you say it better than I do.
Personally I think I was a bad mother. I had more to do than I could get done. I never hit a kid because that was a no-no, but I yelled at them. Tom was cool, calm, kind so the kids turned out well.
I could also do a rant on the parent guilt industry. Perhaps another time.
Evan,
“…happy marriages – one’s where people didn’t just settle for ‘normal misery’ but grew in love and care for each other over the years.” You can add me to that list, and my guess is Mike and rummuser will join. Anyone else?
Yes, people say childhood is a time of creativity and learning. In that sense I made a vow years ago to never grow up. I’ve never been one to let society’s norms dictate how I lead my life. It’s not that I didn’t care what people thought, but their disapproval was a small price for being free. That’s the beauty of getting older, one no longer cares what other people think, except for loved ones.
bikehikebabe,
I need a lot of contemplation time so I knew one child was my ideal… poor Kaitlin had to be an only child. Fortunately she’s resilient. And yours did just fine too. Mothers don’t have to be perfect.
Thank you for telling me about Abbie’s blog. She does an amazing job of keeping her sense of humor and her sanity.
I’ve read a lot about the Tiger Mother book. I watched an interview with the author. There are things I agree with, but I can’t get past the verbal abuse.
I yell at my kids…but, I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. I think it’s important for kids to understand that…
1) Parents are human, and they have bad days too.
2) The severity of their actions.
I will apologize if I feel my yelling stemmed more from my personal frustration, instead of their behavior. But, I’m not sorry that they see me that way. I’m not perfect either.
I’m a strict parent. I plan on having my children learn an instrument, and earn good grades in school. My kids do their chores around the house.
That being said…I would NEVER label my children the way the author of this book does. Calling them garbage, or stupid, or fat. You’re putting a label on that child, a label that they will identify with themselves.
I might tell my child that they are ACTING mean, but never that they ARE mean. I stress their behavior is their CHOICE, not WHO THEY ARE. But, we also stress that their choices will determine who they will become.
If my child says something unkind to me, I ask them…”Would Daddy EVER talk to Mommy like that?” They say no. Then I ask them if they want to grow up to be like Daddy. (What little boy doesn’t) So, I tell them they need to learn how to not use words that hurt.
My kids are still little…who knows if we’re going to succeed…I’ll just cross my fingers.
My dear dear Jean, I am so very touched by what you said, what BHB and Evan contributed.
I loved being a child and yet – like you – couldn’t wait to be an adult. Thought it would never happen. It did. And I am happier for it. In a different way.
As to children: Have I said this before? If that Chinese mother stood close to me I’d punch her. And we all know that I am not given to violence. How can you make your offspring an extension and disappointed expectations of yourself? It amounts to child abuse. It stinks to high heaven.
I am so grateful I grew up at a time when mothers would tell you the basics to watch out for but then leave you to get on with your life (age 4, age 14). Now it’s just non stop paranoia. Awful. I remember a mother sitting next to me at some luncheon organised by the school my son went to. That she was Chinese is a coincidence. When I – randomly as one does – mentioned that Apple of my Eye did catch train to school she said: “I drive my son. I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to him.” Good job that a friend of mine sat opposite me and kicked me in the shin underneath the table before I had a chance to say anything in reply.
We were not talking two year olds, not 12 year olds. These guys were well into their teens. So I asked Mrs Haven’t Got A Clue How To Teach My Kid How To Cope With Life Should It Shoot Past Him: “So when will you let him board a train?” Her answer, and please, Jean, do not throw the towel or your hands up in horror because I have done so already: “When he is eighteen.” I refuse to revisit my thinking and words at the time (remember, friend across table still kicking my shin) but how selfish can you get? Basically she was saying that she’d wash her hands off her son at the age he
– in the eyes of the law – becomes an adult. There and then I hated that woman. She’d not teach her son to swim. After all, he might drown.
Funnily, not that it gave me satisfaction, when I mentioned the name to my own son he remarked that that boy was one of the most obnoxious irritating disruptive EVER in his class. Excellent result, Chinese Mum. Hope God will sever your cervix before you have a chance to procreate again.
U
The one thing I appreciate about the American style is getting the kids involved with chores, errands and small jobs while growing up. The purebred Tiger mom would never allow such frivolous wastes of time.
One thing that isn’t mentioned in the Tiger mom articles is that most of the Tiger moms had a grandfather who was raised on a farm and likely had no more than a third grade education.
Abbie,
I fully agree about teaching kids about the choices they make and about not slapping labels on them. And I think it’s great yours already have chores to do. I’m amazed that so many parents raise kids with a feeling of entitlement.
Kaitlin took piano lessons for a few years but we didn’t object when she decided she didn’t want to do it any more. She did take up the viola for a while. I can’t remember homework ever being an issue but when she was having problems with arithmetic Andy spent hours playing with her using The Little Professor Calculator, which basically drilled her in math problems. And when she was essentially left on her own to learn math in the 5th grade and the teacher told me at the end of the year Kaitlin hadn’t learned any math at all (great timing, Teach! Did you not notice it before?) I borrowed the text for the summer and Kaitlin did all of the problems to bring her up to speed. We didn’t care about grades, but we did want her to be grounded in the basics. She loved to read so the other classes weren’t a problem.
I love your question, “Would Daddy EVER talk to Mommy like that?” That’s clearly a winner.
About mothers not having to be perfect…it’s probably a better education for the kids in dealing with people if they have to deal with real live human beings.
Ursula,
Overprotective parents aren’t new. My mother was one. I loved her dearly but would never do that to a kid.
I love your analogy of not teaching a kid to swim because you’re afraid he/she might drown. That pretty much says it all.
Looney,
“The one thing I appreciate about the American style is getting the kids involved with chores, errands and small jobs while growing up.” Yes, I think Tiger Mothers are cheating their children by not letting them make a contribution.
After reading your post, I invited my son to write a guest post on his take on what his parents did. Should be interesting. I shall try and post it as soon as possible.
I’m looking forward to reading it.